"Bow Down Before The One You Serve..."

Started Dune. Again. Reading it for second time. Bitchin' book. Rockin' out to NIN right now. Lookin' for something to burn. My room's in mediocre shape. Don't want to go to practice tonight. Looking forward to haircut and re-dye. Hoping at some point I'll have enough money for a new amp. Ugh...fuck money.

"...You're going to get what you deserve."

In The Library

I'm sitting at the front desk. It's really quiet in here. Which makes the books really oppressive. ANYWAY, I'm extremely excited for this weekend, I have no business being a stage manager, and Samantha Who? is a really brilliant show. I'm currently being forced to decide who my favorite author is. Ridiculous. You'd have an easier time asking me in what situations I'd rape someone... no, I'd probably have a hard time with that one too... SO MANY CHOICES.

I've been late to my courtesy probably everyday after the first week here. I think the librarians hate me. That's alright. They're old and bitchy.

I read some stupid "Punk History" book we have in the library. What a piece of bullshit. When someone starts describing music with the words "emocore" and states that punk "flourished" after the clash is just FUCKIN' IDIOTIC. And yeah sure I'm a bit of an elitist and I don't like all punk music, but come the fuck on.

I have come to find that there are two kinds of people that come into high school libraries: Lame ass tree kids who look at Yu-Gi-Oh mangas, and "artsy" types who check out Mein Kampf and The Beatles biography.

At CompUSA

I'm on this bitchin' computer with a huge monitor... and that's about as far as my excitement goes.

Today and the few days proceding today have been the craziest emotional series of hills. But I don't want it to stop. I don't mind the downs because the ups are far much better than any happiness I have experienced in the past 2 years.

Well I think I better leave this sample computer to the short bald men and metal computer kids.

I Will Possess Your Heart

The fact is, that people are content with what is given to them. I often find myself in this very same predicament. However, in the realization that I too fail in this way, I have come to fight for the things I want/need that I may not get handed to me. It's hard to distinguish living one's life and struggle; they are not always the same thing.

Sometimes I feel that, we as humans, connect struggle to a bad way to live life. But, those of us with a glimmer of common sense can tell you that the greatest things in life are never free. In saying that, I see occasionally a struggle for something "better" that is entirely unnecessary.

One can't let his/her willingness to fight cause a war over something insignificant.

Intimacy

I've just finished The Stranger today and absolutely loved it. I copied down the best lines to keep with me. I very much understand now why Robert Smith was so inspired. Camus's ideas on happiness and life make sense to me right now. A lot of sense.

Find happiness in all your moments. Especially the bleak ones.

A Must

I think if everyone would read The Vampire Lestat, the world would be a better place.

Sore Thumb

"I wish we'd always wake up new, refreshed and born again with nothing left to lose. But we dream too much. Who needs a crutch? Pull off the bandage, there’s no wound."
-The Format

I want to jump out of my own skin I'm that uncomfortable here. Where is here? It's in the gray area between doing something and doing absolutely nothing. Blasting music and digesting food. Looking around my room for something to release myself upon but, in finding nothing, returning to the keyboard to surf the internet. God I want out of myself so badly. I'm going to go on a walk when I finish this. Fuck yeah. I'll read when I get back. Bye.

Ramblings

Human nature. It drives every one of us. The base, primal side of the mind. Some would call this nature the evil in us. The savagery. The ungodliness. Despite these connotations, there is an instinctual part of all people that gives us the ability survive independently. Many would believe that humans also exist with a certain higher nature; a "good nature". The want to do the "right" thing allegedly comes from this nature, as well the the ability to act selflessly.

Unfortunately for the people who believe in this higher nature, it does not exist.

Nature implies the natural order. The things that happen over and over. The appearance of a pattern, like the seasons or reproduction or war. In order for a human to want to act selflessly or do what is considered "right", it must exist outside of nature. Our super ego is not part of our nature. The conscience is not part of the pattern humans dwell in. We often find ourselves in complete conflict with the natural order of our existence. This causes me to see that because our nature is such a powerful force, that we cater to it 99% of the time. This leaves a vast minority of situations in which humans act against their nature.

What does that make us? Animals only act in accordance to their nature. Why do we as humans make a point of fighting the nature that drives us? I'll tell you.

We hate guilt. Humans can feel, due to their super ego, the results of doing something "bad". We are cursed with regret. For some reason outside of the natural order of things, we've been given motivation to act differently than what our nature prescribes.